Top Five Reasons To End Top Five Lists

#5. They are completely arbitrary. They cater to people who love tidy numbers like five or ten. Or worse, they cater to people who are secretly superstitious and believe in the luck and power of the number 7.

Someone once told me that 7 is lucky because it’s a prime number… to which I replied “what’s a prime number?”

A little drop of blood dripped from their left ear.

Seriously though: why not Top 6 lists? There are so many great sixes in history. Um… the 6 deadly sins. That basketball team from that place. Um… that other famous six.

[Ahem.]

I googled it and the most common lucky numbers are 1, 3, 7, 9, 13, 15, 21, 25, 31, 33, 37, 43, 49, 51, 63, 67, 69, 73, 75, 79, 87, 93, and 99. I bet the administrators of state lotteries thank God every night for that list. It’s the only reason jackpots grow past $1B. They removed ball #7.

#4. They’re a bad substitute for story. There’s a large community of writers— mostly marketing professionals who have a compulsive need to peddle something, anything— who aggressively push the narrative that we’re all storytellers. Innately. Note that these books are written mostly for other marketing professionals who already consider themselves storytellers and need market validation.

Oh, and there’s not a single book out there that talks about how we’re all passive, story listeners— because… who would buy that book?

I might but it would need to be read to me… against my will.

Anywho, I’ve read enough of those books to know that a story needs a beginning, middle and end. Not happening with top 5 lists. Especially the awful ones that count backwards.

#3. They oversimplify the complex. It’s too easy to make a top five list of anything and have "readers'' come away thinking that they've “done their research” and have a "good understanding" of the subject. They obviously encourage me to use air quotes “excessively” because they encourage shallow "thinking.” God help us from my air quotes.

In fact, here are the top 6 reasons not to use air quotes: 1) They make everything sound sarcastic, 2) No one else in the conversation knows when it's appropriate to use them, if ever, 3) Their meaning is easily misinterpreted, 4) Too often they are used as a substitute for actual thought, 5) Taking the time to type them out detracts from the actual point, and 6) They look ridiculous.

Sorry. Got distracted for a sec. The point… is… um…

#2. Top five lists tend to be distracting. No wait. That was the last thought.

#2. Top 5 lists are just streams of consciousness… numbered. They give the impression of being dynamic and engaging when they’re stagnant, repetitive, unoriginal and repetitive.

#1. They are easy to manipulate. It’s easy to make a top five list that suits your own agenda, as most lists are subjective and there is no right answer. Ever.

Actually, now that I said that, I take it all back.

Long live the Top 5 list!